The Abstract+Expressionist Art Journal

The relentless rain is back and growing up in this environment you’d think I’d be used to it. Heck when I was a kid and we were homeless I spent plenty of time getting very wet (and not in a good way). But I’m not used to it and it frustrates me when I can’t get things done.

I really wanted to go for a bike ride today but I just couldn’t take the soaking. So I sat around, did some commercial artwork, and got depressed about the whole thing.

Thinking about death on a daily basis doesn’t necessarily have a lot to recommend it. What we learn from dwelling on the ultimate reality is that life is meaningless in the most extreme sense possible, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.

This past few days we had breaking news announcing that 12 miners were found alive. Followed by a long series of people saying that this was proof of miracles, that God answers prayer, etceteras. When three hours later it was proven that those miners were dead and the news of them all surviving was wrong, nobody stood up to say that we have no proven that miracles do not exist and God (if such a thing exists) does not answer prayer.

They should have.

After all, if a positive outcome proves miracles, by definition a negative outcome must disprove miracles. But of course the inability to grasp even the simplest of logical concepts is a major part of what makes people religious in the first place. That, and a terrible fear of death and nonexistence, and the need to have meaning even where meaning doesn’t really exist.

Death makes everything pointless, meaningless, and ultimately worthless. Even if you argue that you live in order to benefit your children (or whatever) they TOO will cease to exist thus rendering whatever you have done pointless. There is no unbroken chain, no thread of hope for a person to cling to …if they are truly rational.

If I surrender to irrationality (a constant temptation) then the sky is the limit. I devoted three quarters of my life to religion, after, so giving the last bit would be easy.

Who better than I to understand how easy it is to give in to what we hope for and abandon what we know? I empathize with that feeling. I’m there. But part of me is just too logical and rational to completely let go of WHAT IS to cling to WHAT I WISH.

That puts me in a minority, doesn’t it? It isn’t a fun minority, but it may also be the last, best hope for mankind.

Overheard by fan and reported to me: “Is that Chriss Pagani over there? I love her paintings!”
Reply: “No, that’s her sister. The artist doesn’t like to associate with human beings.”

Has it really come to that? Am I seen as some Queen of the Undead who never appears in public and is only heard from through art and writings? Perhaps I am indeed a bit reclusive but there isn’t anything all that mysterious about me. Or is there?

Well, the Queen of The Doomed has something to say… In the new year, I will try to be more open about everything that is going on in my life. I’m going to talk about all the meaningless BS that composes my daily existence. Are you happy now?

Let’s go see…

I was feeling pretty sick yesterday. I’m plagued with crippling migraine headaches: I throw up - repeatedly unto dry heaves - I can’t see straight and the pain is close to unbearable. But I’ve lived with them since I was 11 years old so it is just one of those things I’ve come to expect. The pain is almost like an old friend…

Yesterday was one of those days. So I did’t accomplish much.

Although I was feeling sick, I still took a very short bike ride in the afternoon. I’ve added a GT Saddleback mountain bike to my collection. It was purchased used and still needs work, but I wanted to give it a try. If I don’t get out once in a while like this I get mental, so I sort of had to do it.

The bike is great but it reminded me that MBs are more tiresome on the road than the road or hybrid bikes. I was tired before I reached the bridge. Oh well. I was also sick so I’m sure that affected the experience.

I discovered day before yesterday that my hybrid bike, the Norco Arctic, seems to be pulling very slightly to the left. Bummer. I think this means that the frame is sprung or something, and I’m not sure what to do about it. It isn’t a strong pull, it’s just that if you take your hands off the bars it immediately goes left. Not sure what to do yet, but it really bothers me because the Norco was my most versatile and expensive bike.

I haven’t been doing a lot of painting, but I have done some sketching… nothing worthy of online exposure as far as I’m concerned but I might start sharing that stuff too.

Alas, I’m still sick today… gotta go puke any second now. But barring sudden death (always a possibility, hanging there as a sword over our heads) I will be better tomorrow or the next day …and life will go on.